So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
