So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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