my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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