I heard we made out
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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