i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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