Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
