I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
