I could have mohawked her pubes.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
