By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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