true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
