Don't make out with my wife yet
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
