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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
we made out on top of his cat.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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