I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
