life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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