You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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