Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
