Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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