Where did you get a picture of my penis
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
