What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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