Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
