i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
