she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
