return my video game
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
