a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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