very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Ketchup is God's man juice
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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