I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
