do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
