I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
