i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
