You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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