When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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