She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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