One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize