I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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