Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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