My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
