Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
