Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
