my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
