I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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