Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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