why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
