she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
