My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
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