This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Also, beer. Big fan.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
