6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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