I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
