so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
