I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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