i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
