my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
