Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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