apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
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