my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
