You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize