Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
they need to just BURY HIM!
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
