when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
