Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize