Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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