Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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